Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize