Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
