Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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