Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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