Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
