I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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