I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
