My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
