if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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