just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
