Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
