How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize