Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize