I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
