Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize