the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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