I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
