I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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