i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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