saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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