my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
