got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
