I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
