i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
