don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
