Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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