Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize