this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
