nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
