i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
