You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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