just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
