Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
