I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
