apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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