when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
