Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
