Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
