Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
