Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
