Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
