winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
