had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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