so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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