his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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