my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You are the jesus of drinking
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
