he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize