dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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