it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
me + whiskey = a bad person
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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