Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
