My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
