my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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