Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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