Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
