Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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