I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize