If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just want to make out with him forever
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
