That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
where does the pee come out of this thing
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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