Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
