I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
