Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
PANTIES FOUND
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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