What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
