My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
