Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
