I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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